8/12/18 2 Timothy 1:7 For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and a sound mind.

The last few days have been a whirlwind of emotions. Iowa City called right away the next morning and we were given some measure of hope. They had been going over my pathology reports and the specialists in assistant in Iowa City thought maybe the endocrinologist had been prematurely jumping to conclusions and she was thinking that it was just thyroid cancer. She only needed to consult with the doctor before confirming.  After this was done she would call back that day with further instructions for the following week. Not gonna lie I may have done a little happy dance before letting the rest of my family know. We were all pretty excited with the prospect of it being the lesser of the two evils of our previous report!!! But as all good things must come to an end. A few hours later we received a second call from the specialist’s office. This one had a very different tone. After consulting and reviewing my pathology reports and the slides with my biopsy they were again ruling out thyroid cancer. Once again, they were saying more an likely lymphoma or some other form of cancer. For the second time this week my heart sank with devastating news. Thankfully there would not be much waiting around for this specialist appointment. So, some good news there I guess. I would go in right away this coming Monday for further testing and Tuesday a surgical procedure to remove a sample of tissue from my neck. And then from there the plan was I would be set up with a new doctor specializing in whichever cancer it turned out to be. So, all we had to do was wait through the weekend……

Many thoughts and emotions flooded my mind. I slowly began to move away from shock and disbelief to begin processing all that was happening. Reflecting on the different aspects of my life, I began questioning several things, from daily activities to purpose. Am I afraid of dying? Am I ready to stand before God and answer for my life here on earth? Have I been as bold with my faith as I could have been? Will my husband ever know what he really means to me? How will my kids remember me? Will they know the love I have for each one of them? Did I really take care of my body the way I should have? Is this somehow my fault?  In the last few years I have been so consumed with my five children I have not been able to keep up with all my friendships how do I reconnect with everyone if I only have a short time? Though I do not know the answer to all these questions at this moment my perspective on life has more clarity than ever before!

Tomorrow I will go in and have tests done. I will be given a diagnosis of some form or another. Today here is what I know. I am not afraid of death! Contemplating the future my conclusion is….. I absolutely believe in God! When I completely gave my life over to him five years ago, even though I was in the midst one of the most difficult periods of my life, I felt an abiding peace! That same peace resides in me right now today and I know where I will go when I die, and I am not worried. What a profound moment I had when coming to this conclusion! it was almost exhilarating knowing if the worst comes to past I am completely confident in my belief in my God!!!  With that being said I believe in a mighty God who is the God of miracles and I fully expect that the last entry in this journal will read whatever date labeled ‘The Day I beat Cancer’. I will die someday as we all will, but this experience has forced me into understanding the fragileness of this life in a new way. No matter the outcome of tomorrow I will appreciate every day with a little more vigor! I will put my phone away, turn the tv off and value every moment I share with my amazing husband and beautiful children. Each day is a gift and as cliché as it sounds these last few days have shown me how I want to make the most of each one that I am given from here on out.

2 thoughts on “8/12/18 2 Timothy 1:7 For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and a sound mind.

  1. Rachel we have never met but we are family! My husband is your MIL oldest brother! We are your Aunt & Uncle in Idaho (the ones with the Llam & live on a farm)! Just want you to know we are adding our prayers to yours & that of others! I am reading your blog with thankfulness that you are filling your mind with GOD & holding strongly in his promises. We love you because you are HIS & because you are family! Keep looking up & remembering who is the greatest physician of all & knows you best!🤗💕

    Like

  2. Rachel we have never met but we are family! My husband is your MIL oldest brother! We are your Aunt & Uncle in Idaho (the ones with the Llam & live on a farm)! Just want you to know we are adding our prayers to yours & that of others! I am reading your blog with thankfulness that you are filling your mind with GOD & holding strongly to his promises. We love you because you are HIS & because you are family! Keep looking up & remembering who is the greatest physician of all & knows you best!🤗💕

    Like

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